Continued Continued <^_^>

If You Looked Inside My soul

If you looked inside my soul
You'd see a whole other person
Without a broken world
Or a broken heart
Maybe you'd see something more beautiful
Than everything I show on the outside
People know so little
About who I am
But if you could look inside my soul maybe you would understand
About what I want
What I dream of
And what the world looks like though my eyes.

The intensity of my emotions
Could scare the living hell
Out of anyone else
Who has ever felt anything like this before
No one will ever feel this
They'll never understand
All the time I thought
My life was going okay
This happened.

School is a lonely empty place
Middle school sucks
It makes me feel like shit
It's full of unforgiving pricks
Who all seem to have found their place
And their friends
Their everything
No one else is as big a loser as me
I'm just the one in the shadows
Wishing she had a best friend
Or a friend at all
I hate it home
I hate it all school
Where do I go to escape it all?
Do I start doing drugs, and let my whole world slip away?
Or do I just watch my fall from life
Until I am nothing at all
I am forgotten
Everywhere I go
School is a lonely, empty place.

There are those mistakes
Still looming in whatever left of this
Like the mist that rises above the ocean
Every morning it is there clear as day
Than it evaporates into the heaven
Until it is nothing at all
And than there are those like a gleaming sliver dagger
They leave cuts that may heal
But the scars will always remain
To remind you of all the pain and suffering
Whenever you even think of wound
That nearly ruined everything
You wonder...
Why does life keep reminding us of our faults
Or is it our faults that remind us of life.

God's Mistake

I don't know if I believe
But I try to make sense anyway
Of what my purpose is
My true place of belonging
A place to call my own
I don't see how I've lost all faith
I've never had any to begin with
The questions, no one answers
But I've heard it hundreds of times
Everyone makes mistakes
So does that mean that the might also fail
Or am I looking at this all wrong
You really have to wonder
If I am God's mistake.

 ** I think I posted this on my old blog Crown of Flowers, but oh well...

What happens to the ones forgotten and alone?
What becomes of them...
What about those who are broken and unheard?
Do they go though life, living it day by day
Trying to survive
Or are they the fighters
Who break though it all in the end
Do they see clearly above the illusion of perfection that seems to blind us
Following a dream
I think I am insane
The loner hiding in the bathroom stall
Wishing life away
Or am I not alone at all
Am I connected by a feeling
That we all must face
If I found love
I would cherish every moment
Make it last forever
Sadly, I know I have already drown
I can only hold onto my last breath before I let go
Stinking deeper and deeper into a world of
Loneliness.

Affection
And rejection
Love and fame
Hate and war
Black and white
Nasty fights
Living in a world
Sinking deeper down to hell
No seems to care where we are headed
After every warning we've got
Every dream we ignored
We do not see
What is right in front of us
I hope the people
Ignorant enough to let the less fortunate suffer
We to unite
But all differences aside
Look each other in the eyes
And say
Things need to change, for our world is wasting away to a melting pot of nothing.

The months ahead look as hopeless as the tears I cry
For nothing seems to change
I try to make things right
But my demons are still there
Everything no one knows
I am still separated somehow
And something...
Something is missing.

Cont.

Life ain't all always beautiful
Not always fun and games
It's never what you expected
And you can never plan it
Your live isn't mapped out
Your destiny is in your hands
And you are in control of it
Sometimes only faith gets you though
Your dreams the guiding light
Sometimes you have to look for answers
And fight for what is right
I think that your heart is smarter than your mind
So listen to it for once
And start heading in the right direction.

You smile at me
through wrinkles and aging I see
The wisdom you have
And all that you share
Your love for me is so fare
Like a light August rain
You are beautiful
I love to have you in my life
I'm glad I'm here to say
I love you Grandma
Will you please stay?

Why are you even talking to me?
Oh my God, shut up
Don't say another word
I can't bare to hear your voice again
I know that you never cared.

Older poems

Hey people- I was looking through my email drafts and realized I have poems I wrote when I was about 12.
I am very hard on myself about my poems never being "good enough" but I wrote some pretty good stuff for a lil girl. I'll post some of them but a lot are deleted from after we got a bunch of Trojans off the computer we had to get it reformatted. *Sigh* Most don't have titles.

I always find myself wondering
Why I feel so misunderstood
I thought I'd find the answer
By trying to fit in
Forgetting who you are means changing in to someone everyone else likes... right
It hurts a lot to change
But you never ever forget
And it's harder to go back
Changing who are are
You'll never find a relationship
Real and full of love
I wish some people knew
You never have to change
Never have to rearrange
You'll lose all the happiness you once had
And in your heart you'll know you  are fake
Fitting in isn't always good
You'll never really get to be you...
Only a copy of someone else.

A robber sneaked into house one night
Nothing was left at all
Nothing in sight
It was evidence to me
It really confirmed
How materialistic we are
Once we lose our stuff
We become nothing at all
Keep our head low
Quit standing tall
Strength is not measured in things that you own
Or how much money you have
It's measured in how much you love and experience
How you handle situations
How you get though the hard times
Life is not easy
And never guaranteed
One minute here
And the next, gone
And when everyone dies
They leave a special mark on the earth
It doesn't really matter
The expensive jeans you dressed your ass in
What matters is how much you cared
Even changing the life of one person is amazing
And that's something we all can do
Why can't people just reach out to show that they care

I don't know true love yet
But I hope one day I will
I don't really care for boys much yet
One day that may change
I wonder what it's like
To really be in love
To always have someone
That you could never imagine living without
But how do you know?
When you fall in love
Does it just happen?
And than the next moment you are walking down the aisle
And saying your I dos
What about the people
That are  lonely all their life
What about those
Who failed at love?
I think love is stupid
But I still want to feel it
I guess I'll know...
When I know

Angels

I see them everyday
In the shadow of myself
In those I give my precious love and loyalty
Those few who see past skin
The lost and suffering- today's Saints
Angels without wings
Lend helping hands
To those in need
Sometimes I think I see
Fluffy, feathery wings
Pure white
On these human angels
The invisible helpers
Who give and challenge
Love & learn
Salvation I wait for
I lost my angels- take me home.

Master of the Forest

He called me from a broken life

Gave me a curse that was not at all cursed

Blessings in disguise

He held me so gently

A creature half wolf, half man

I looked into his wolf eyes

With enduring love

I'd give anything

To walk like he does

Free of fear

I saw what was hidden- underneath his skin

A fine belt he wore

Wolf-skin that enlivened his flesh

He asked me to dance

The wild dance

Goodbye humanity

Goodbye agonizing existence

The Master of the Forest

Is father and mother

Everything I am reborn to.

Dark Kiss

Death kiss, predatory

The last word don't matter anymore- I won't die alone!

Life is so cold and sick

Self mutilated screams

I wish I'd died that day

No pride, no reason, no right

Dark kisses fill my dreams

The only beauty I'd ever know

The beauty to shut your eyes forever

In the arms of another.

Forgotten Lullaby

Never look back my daughter

At the thing I was

I would hide from you forever

My broken one, like a fallen angel

I cannot save

I wish I had your beauty, your love

The dream of life

The illusion of time

This pathetic form cannot be mine!

I who had you, gave you

Darkness & silver moonlight

Your beautiful black hair

Did shine

With silver and blue shades too

I wish I could be... like you

Forever I am bathed in the death I did seek.

Murder

Don't think of the knife that waits

Shining, seductive

In broken morning light

The weapons that are as beautiful as morning dew

Beautiful as tranquility, rebirth, love & laughter

Yet the very opposite of those things I've forsaken

I hate so hard

As much as others love

Call me forgotten of Aphrodite

She rose from sea foam and turquoise water

I rose from the blackened rivers of purgatory

To seek a new hell

Queen of beauty and love

Sunshine and sexuality

You forget about me

Me lonely one, with knife in hand

This murder will be my own.

Sweet songs

I'd like to believe 

The sweet songs I hear

The voices of my family and those I call friends

A life marked by a million broken promises

Jagged shards of that mirror 

Thrown in my face

That pierce deeper than skin, bone, flesh

Lies that seep to the soul

Like lethal injection

That stops the heart

The seductive I feel for that death

I crave it

Oblivion from my past

My pain.

Washed but not Clean

Alone in this filthy tub

I feel disgust and repulsion

The mold grows thick on the curtain

In those little corners, I'd rather ignore...

What I know my parents do in here

The chlorinated water irritates pink, sensitive skin

Chemicals purify only the mind

This is hell's water running over me in this rotting tub of decay

Hatred eats my insides like worms and maggots on a carcass

Everything I know is a lie

Western culture an ever-enduring illusion

With media suppressing us

We allow it to mask the desire of our hearts

Want, want

Need, need

Zombie-brained populace

2 countries that feed sickness and disease

Overseas men and women work for a dollar a day

Out of sight out of mind- no words of mine

We wallow in our greed

With incessant pride, for ancestors that were enduring, strong

Yet cruel

That's what I am- borne from barbarians

Oh this dirty tub

How I hate it

I could scrub it, scrub the whole world

& it would never be clean, pure or wholly sane.

Shouting in the Void

Here I do scream

Laid upon the bed of fear

Who can hear me?

Save a cruel god

That gave me this- life

Is it not a curse, breathe in suffering?

To be a slave of contained fear

That poisons this fragile soul

Save your prayers- innocent one

Your voice beats like my heart

Your pink faced sweetness

Is a contradiction- to my ice cold beauty

That glimmers from a heart so frozen

It steals sunshine from those I love

A case of ice I prayed

To keep me safe

From life, from love

Those glorious things from above

That have some indecipherable divinity

Unspeakably great

Ungraciously invaluable

Mortal life- a blessing within a curse.

Another Day

Another day comes and goes

I sit inside myself, waiting for dawn to come

I hear him sigh, he is so far from me

There is no light from Heaven

The Gods cry from a faraway sky

I know I do not deserve this suffering

Still I wait

Everyday, I want to die a little more

Everyday to echo yesterday

Everyday a new agony

A challenge without rewards

A fight without an end

A day without you

Please come back to me!

Silver-blooded lover

Alive only in my dreams

I wish you were real.

Til death do us part

Til death do us part

Words that will never pass my lips

What a promise!

What a vow!

To give your life to one

To promise them something that is wholly your's

Forbidden words.

Carpe Corpus

Seize the corpse

Hold it in your arms

What is left, of what you love

Seize the corpse

It's the rest of you

Your other half

Carpe Corpus...

Seize the corpse

That is your mother, your father

Sister, brother, lover

Those you cannot awaken

Those you once wished to silence

Risen to rot

The voice of your logic

Assures you it cannot be

Your insanity just laughs

And laughs, and laughs

In the graveyard of sighs

Beyond the flowers that cheer the graves of your kin

You hear them sigh- trapped forever

Cold black earth-trapped in ice

You got your wish- finally

The silence is your's

In the graveyard of sighs

You imprisoned them here

Sweet forever, promised that fateful day

So bitter

So you visit her now, beneath the ground

Your fate not in her arms

But in a box, and nobody cares

Seize the corpse.

The Curse of Silence

Silence- closing in on me

Allows me to hear myself

Silence that haunts me, becomes me

A girl without a voice

A house without a soul

An empty shell

The past is catching up with me

But it's not screaming anymore

It's calling me

There's nothing to live for anymore

As empty backwards as in front of me

I see the future as it is

A meaninglessness venture

That will destroy me

By simply going on

& dragging me on with it.

My other self

She is silent huntress nymph

In a forest of her own whim

Carrying the bow with lethal procession

Arrow to the heart

The womanling I lost

In self hatred

Come back to me

Does she hear my call ?

Into the night

Into the void

My lost self.

Call my name

Who are the beautiful voices

That sing me to sleep

In my sea of tears

That consume me on this bed of pain

When stars stare

At my broken face

I wanted to hurt myself today

As if I had not grown one bit

From yesterday

Who are my friends now?

In this lonely today

So far from a smiling face

God, save me from myself

The one whom I cannot hide.

A long wait

Those days that churn

Those tallied times

That define us

We take not a thing to the grave

But our slow decay.

White Roses On The Floor

White roses on the floor

Surround the bed of a whore

Her throat slit

Her blood the only colour in the room

Her death gives this place life

What is sacrifice, to a woman

Who gives away virgin days heartily

Feels accomplishment

In the work of sin

An ode to you 

Who belong to none, but your own desire

Those wants, those needs

Your soul craves

Things that cannot be

That taint your purity

Haunt your sleepless nights

Like the blood of a whore, on a white rose floor

She fell hard

Her pain is servre

But now it is burned away like...

Red, red blood.

Hidden

How I wish

I could hide you

From the world

You do not belong in

That would destroy you

Before it could concieve to love you

When the nights linger

I watch your sleeping form

The dark shadows, you fill me with

Tainting my own hope

You are child

Of a much darker reality

One I could not create

Through one union, though I bore you.

Bloodstained

When you hunted, I was lost to you

Beyond all love

Lusting for prey, for the sweet crunch of

Of fragile bone in your strong teeth

What was I to you than?

When your biggest love, was the flesh

Devoured in your jaws

I love you, hate you

Embrace you, fear you

Your love makes me complete, but I two separate people
Your love is bone-snapping
Heart-grinding
Primal desires
That rise and fall
When you hold me in your arms
I love you...
Wolf man
Wherever you are
May the gods let us meet.

My Unspoken Love

My unspoken love

Looms in the distance

Beyond the sands of time

She is still waiting

The Goddess once forsaken

From my timeless love

Gone like the wind

That rustled the trees 

Of a forest that is no more

Where once they sacrificed the four-legged things

The moon still shone in all it's vigor

Not just light

But ritual beauty

Does the full moon fill you with some alien longing

To become something you are not

By being what you are.

Monster Desires

I hide from thee

Save me, child

From the full-grown horror that awaits

Just up ahead

A simple life

A simpler death

A cycle I am trapped within

Without a chance

Do I belong to glory?

Am I part of some greater plan?

The question is the fungus

Spoiling the orchid that was so seemingly beautiful moments ago

When I met the illusion of faith.

The thing, risen

She sees through eyes

Into hearts

A place I hide so deeply

Within

Folds of flesh

Within

Pockets of soul

A brainless thing, feeding off the living

Though I long to be like her

I do not belong to her irrationality

The belief in humanity

That is not her's

Is ignorance her drug?

Sleeping forever in soft soil

Sleeping beauty

Never noticing

The hopelessness of the world which she clings

Won't you die with me?

September's Promise

I feel the cool, damp air

Whispering promises of the cold that is to come

A time to reflect

On things that decay, which we call the dead

Samhain is coming!

The faeries walk, dance with man

Excitement and fear, course through me

For the changes

Good and bad

I long for her touch

September has pretty words

But October is a Goddess.

Darkened Room

Stop the light

The shade is mine

In his room I hide

The silver light of the moon- the light of madness

Behold wolf creatures...

With silver eyes

That cry glittering tears

That belong to the moon

The mother of their sorrow

Hide me now

From a woman who is not mine

This darkened room, beyond the stars

I'll meet my end here

By my own demise

My silent, sleep

Eternal and consuming

When I called her name

I knew I did not belong

To that world

That place

That time

It looms forever, never mine.

Shameful Girl

She hides behind the certain of sorrow

Where love cannot reach her

Friendless, but not thoughtless

Imprisoned by her own mind

When darkness settles

She sees dark lights

That lead nobody

Part of no road

But a highway of destruction

That leads us to nowhere but behind

Nowhere to end up

Except where we were before

She is a shameful girl-ashamed of herself

Filled with sorrow

That is not entirely her own

Belonging to something

More vast, more dark than she could ever be

Deceiving herself

For a morbid lover

Forsaken of God

Her dark angel

Goat horns upon his head

Does she call his name still?

The forbidden name

That leads all the earth's creatures

To starvation- to madness.

Prayer Circle

Why do long-lost moments haunt me?

As the world closes in on me

Asks something more of me

Than what I can give

I remember holding the hands of my sisters

As if I was kind creature

Worthy of saving

I remember their hands clutch me tight

As if they could heal my soul

Warm, soft, girlish

I denied my right

As a princess of Heaven

Did I really listen to the words?
Praying for me...
Where is the throne?

Does it wait beyond the golden mist?

Veil separating me from the Creator

The forbidden place
I do not belong

I do not see His face.

so long ago

i was once like they

sad and longing

to sweep the seas

on floating feet

that found no substance

a terrifying, inhuman reality

a lost mortality

a conscious like a bloody rose

staining those moments

with uncalled for bitterness

stealing bliss.

orchid child

she was the petal of a rose

the silence of yesterday

buried within each song

a growing thing was she

summer sweet

with rain that was dew

upon her fragile rooted soul

does she still speak

in lost tongues

soul so deep

she makes the deepest seas seem shallow?