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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Continued Continued <^_^>

If You Looked Inside My soul

If you looked inside my soul

You'd see a whole other person
Without a broken world
Or a broken heart
Maybe you'd see something more beautiful
Than everything I show on the outside
People know so little
About who I am
But if you could look inside my soul maybe you would understand
About what I want
What I dream of
And what the world looks like though my eyes.

The intensity of my emotions
Could scare the living hell
Out of anyone else
Who has ever felt anything like this before
No one will ever feel this
They'll never understand
All the time I thought
My life was going okay
This happened.

School is a lonely empty place
Middle school sucks
It makes me feel like shit
It's full of unforgiving pricks
Who all seem to have found their place
And their friends
Their everything
No one else is as big a loser as me
I'm just the one in the shadows
Wishing she had a best friend
Or a friend at all
I hate it home
I hate it all school
Where do I go to escape it all?
Do I start doing drugs, and let my whole world slip away?
Or do I just watch my fall from life
Until I am nothing at all
I am forgotten
Everywhere I go
School is a lonely, empty place.

There are those mistakes
Still looming in whatever left of this
Like the mist that rises above the ocean
Every morning it is there clear as day
Than it evaporates into the heaven
Until it is nothing at all
And than there are those like a gleaming sliver dagger
They leave cuts that may heal
But the scars will always remain
To remind you of all the pain and suffering
Whenever you even think of wound
That nearly ruined everything
You wonder...
Why does life keep reminding us of our faults
Or is it our faults that remind us of life.

God's Mistake
I don't know if I believe
But I try to make sense anyway
Of what my purpose is
My true place of belonging
A place to call my own
I don't see how I've lost all faith
I've never had any to begin with
The questions, no one answers
But I've heard it hundreds of times
Everyone makes mistakes
So does that mean that the might also fail
Or am I looking at this all wrong
You really have to wonder
If I am God's mistake.
 ** I think I posted this on my old blog Crown of Flowers, but oh well...

What happens to the ones forgotten and alone?
What becomes of them...
What about those who are broken and unheard?
Do they go though life, living it day by day
Trying to survive
Or are they the fighters
Who break though it all in the end
Do they see clearly above the illusion of perfection that seems to blind us
Following a dream
I think I am insane
The loner hiding in the bathroom stall
Wishing life away
Or am I not alone at all
Am I connected by a feeling
That we all must face
If I found love
I would cherish every moment
Make it last forever
Sadly, I know I have already drown
I can only hold onto my last breath before I let go
Stinking deeper and deeper into a world of

And rejection
Love and fame
Hate and war
Black and white
Nasty fights
Living in a world
Sinking deeper down to hell
No seems to care where we are headed
After every warning we've got
Every dream we ignored
We do not see
What is right in front of us
I hope the people
Ignorant enough to let the less fortunate suffer
We to unite
But all differences aside
Look each other in the eyes
And say
Things need to change, for our world is wasting away to a melting pot of nothing.

The months ahead look as hopeless as the tears I cry
For nothing seems to change
I try to make things right
But my demons are still there
Everything no one knows
I am still separated somehow
And something...
Something is missing.


Life ain't all always beautiful
Not always fun and games
It's never what you expected
And you can never plan it
Your live isn't mapped out
Your destiny is in your hands
And you are in control of it
Sometimes only faith gets you though
Your dreams the guiding light
Sometimes you have to look for answers
And fight for what is right
I think that your heart is smarter than your mind
So listen to it for once
And start heading in the right direction.

You smile at me
through wrinkles and aging I see
The wisdom you have
And all that you share
Your love for me is so fare
Like a light August rain
You are beautiful
I love to have you in my life
I'm glad I'm here to say
I love you Grandma
Will you please stay?

Why are you even talking to me?
Oh my God, shut up
Don't say another word
I can't bare to hear your voice again
I know that you never cared.

Older poems

Hey people- I was looking through my email drafts and realized I have poems I wrote when I was about 12.
I am very hard on myself about my poems never being "good enough" but I wrote some pretty good stuff for a lil girl. I'll post some of them but a lot are deleted from after we got a bunch of Trojans off the computer we had to get it reformatted. *Sigh* Most don't have titles.

I always find myself wondering
Why I feel so misunderstood
I thought I'd find the answer
By trying to fit in
Forgetting who you are means changing in to someone everyone else likes... right
It hurts a lot to change
But you never ever forget
And it's harder to go back
Changing who are are
You'll never find a relationship
Real and full of love
I wish some people knew
You never have to change
Never have to rearrange
You'll lose all the happiness you once had
And in your heart you'll know you  are fake
Fitting in isn't always good
You'll never really get to be you...
Only a copy of someone else.

A robber sneaked into house one night
Nothing was left at all
Nothing in sight
It was evidence to me
It really confirmed
How materialistic we are
Once we lose our stuff
We become nothing at all
Keep our head low
Quit standing tall
Strength is not measured in things that you own
Or how much money you have
It's measured in how much you love and experience
How you handle situations
How you get though the hard times
Life is not easy
And never guaranteed
One minute here
And the next, gone
And when everyone dies
They leave a special mark on the earth
It doesn't really matter
The expensive jeans you dressed your ass in
What matters is how much you cared
Even changing the life of one person is amazing
And that's something we all can do
Why can't people just reach out to show that they care

I don't know true love yet
But I hope one day I will
I don't really care for boys much yet
One day that may change
I wonder what it's like
To really be in love
To always have someone
That you could never imagine living without
But how do you know?
When you fall in love
Does it just happen?
And than the next moment you are walking down the aisle
And saying your I dos
What about the people
That are  lonely all their life
What about those
Who failed at love?
I think love is stupid
But I still want to feel it
I guess I'll know...
When I know

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I see them everyday
In the shadow of myself
In those I give my precious love and loyalty
Those few who see past skin
The lost and suffering- today's Saints
Angels without wings
Lend helping hands
To those in need
Sometimes I think I see

Fluffy, feathery wings
Pure white
On these human angels
The invisible helpers
Who give and challenge
Love & learn
Salvation I wait for
I lost my angels- take me home.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Master of the Forest

He called me from a broken life
Gave me a curse that was not at all cursed
Blessings in disguise
He held me so gently
A creature half wolf, half man
I looked into his wolf eyes
With enduring love
I'd give anything
To walk like he does
Free of fear
I saw what was hidden- underneath his skin
A fine belt he wore
Wolf-skin that enlivened his flesh
He asked me to dance
The wild dance
Goodbye humanity
Goodbye agonizing existence
The Master of the Forest
Is father and mother
Everything I am reborn to.

Dark Kiss

Death kiss, predatory
The last word don't matter anymore- I won't die alone!
Life is so cold and sick
Self mutilated screams
I wish I'd died that day
No pride, no reason, no right
Dark kisses fill my dreams
The only beauty I'd ever know
The beauty to shut your eyes forever
In the arms of another.

Forgotten Lullaby

Never look back my daughter
At the thing I was
I would hide from you forever
My broken one, like a fallen angel
I cannot save
I wish I had your beauty, your love
The dream of life
The illusion of time
This pathetic form cannot be mine!
I who had you, gave you
Darkness & silver moonlight
Your beautiful black hair
Did shine
With silver and blue shades too
I wish I could be... like you
Forever I am bathed in the death I did seek.


Don't think of the knife that waits
Shining, seductive
In broken morning light
The weapons that are as beautiful as morning dew
Beautiful as tranquility, rebirth, love & laughter
Yet the very opposite of those things I've forsaken
I hate so hard
As much as others love
Call me forgotten of Aphrodite
She rose from sea foam and turquoise water
I rose from the blackened rivers of purgatory
To seek a new hell
Queen of beauty and love
Sunshine and sexuality
You forget about me
Me lonely one, with knife in hand
This murder will be my own.

Sweet songs

I'd like to believe 
The sweet songs I hear
The voices of my family and those I call friends
A life marked by a million broken promises
Jagged shards of that mirror 
Thrown in my face
That pierce deeper than skin, bone, flesh
Lies that seep to the soul
Like lethal injection
That stops the heart
The seductive I feel for that death
I crave it
Oblivion from my past
My pain.

Washed but not Clean

Alone in this filthy tub
I feel disgust and repulsion
The mold grows thick on the curtain
In those little corners, I'd rather ignore...
What I know my parents do in here
The chlorinated water irritates pink, sensitive skin
Chemicals purify only the mind
This is hell's water running over me in this rotting tub of decay
Hatred eats my insides like worms and maggots on a carcass
Everything I know is a lie
Western culture an ever-enduring illusion
With media suppressing us
We allow it to mask the desire of our hearts
Want, want
Need, need
Zombie-brained populace
2 countries that feed sickness and disease
Overseas men and women work for a dollar a day
Out of sight out of mind- no words of mine
We wallow in our greed
With incessant pride, for ancestors that were enduring, strong
Yet cruel
That's what I am- borne from barbarians
Oh this dirty tub
How I hate it
I could scrub it, scrub the whole world
& it would never be clean, pure or wholly sane.

Shouting in the Void

Here I do scream
Laid upon the bed of fear
Who can hear me?
Save a cruel god
That gave me this- life
Is it not a curse, breathe in suffering?
To be a slave of contained fear
That poisons this fragile soul
Save your prayers- innocent one
Your voice beats like my heart
Your pink faced sweetness
Is a contradiction- to my ice cold beauty
That glimmers from a heart so frozen
It steals sunshine from those I love
A case of ice I prayed
To keep me safe
From life, from love
Those glorious things from above
That have some indecipherable divinity
Unspeakably great
Ungraciously invaluable
Mortal life- a blessing within a curse.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Another Day

Another day comes and goes
I sit inside myself, waiting for dawn to come
I hear him sigh, he is so far from me
There is no light from Heaven
The Gods cry from a faraway sky
I know I do not deserve this suffering
Still I wait
Everyday, I want to die a little more
Everyday to echo yesterday
Everyday a new agony
A challenge without rewards
A fight without an end
A day without you
Please come back to me!
Silver-blooded lover
Alive only in my dreams
I wish you were real.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Til death do us part

Til death do us part
Words that will never pass my lips
What a promise!
What a vow!
To give your life to one
To promise them something that is wholly your's
Forbidden words.

Carpe Corpus

Seize the corpse
Hold it in your arms
What is left, of what you love
Seize the corpse
It's the rest of you
Your other half
Carpe Corpus...
Seize the corpse
That is your mother, your father
Sister, brother, lover
Those you cannot awaken
Those you once wished to silence
Risen to rot
The voice of your logic
Assures you it cannot be
Your insanity just laughs
And laughs, and laughs
In the graveyard of sighs
Beyond the flowers that cheer the graves of your kin
You hear them sigh- trapped forever
Cold black earth-trapped in ice
You got your wish- finally
The silence is your's
In the graveyard of sighs
You imprisoned them here
Sweet forever, promised that fateful day
So bitter
So you visit her now, beneath the ground
Your fate not in her arms
But in a box, and nobody cares
Seize the corpse.

The Curse of Silence

Silence- closing in on me
Allows me to hear myself
Silence that haunts me, becomes me
A girl without a voice
A house without a soul
An empty shell
The past is catching up with me
But it's not screaming anymore
It's calling me
There's nothing to live for anymore
As empty backwards as in front of me
I see the future as it is
A meaninglessness venture
That will destroy me
By simply going on
& dragging me on with it.

My other self

She is silent huntress nymph
In a forest of her own whim
Carrying the bow with lethal procession
Arrow to the heart
The womanling I lost
In self hatred
Come back to me
Does she hear my call ?
Into the night
Into the void
My lost self.

Call my name

Who are the beautiful voices
That sing me to sleep
In my sea of tears
That consume me on this bed of pain
When stars stare
At my broken face
I wanted to hurt myself today
As if I had not grown one bit
From yesterday
Who are my friends now?
In this lonely today
So far from a smiling face
God, save me from myself
The one whom I cannot hide.

Friday, September 10, 2010

A long wait

Those days that churn
Those tallied times
That define us
We take not a thing to the grave
But our slow decay.

White Roses On The Floor

White roses on the floor
Surround the bed of a whore
Her throat slit
Her blood the only colour in the room
Her death gives this place life
What is sacrifice, to a woman
Who gives away virgin days heartily
Feels accomplishment
In the work of sin
An ode to you 
Who belong to none, but your own desire
Those wants, those needs
Your soul craves
Things that cannot be
That taint your purity
Haunt your sleepless nights
Like the blood of a whore, on a white rose floor
She fell hard
Her pain is servre
But now it is burned away like...
Red, red blood.


How I wish
I could hide you
From the world
You do not belong in
That would destroy you
Before it could concieve to love you
When the nights linger
I watch your sleeping form
The dark shadows, you fill me with
Tainting my own hope
You are child
Of a much darker reality
One I could not create
Through one union, though I bore you.


When you hunted, I was lost to you
Beyond all love
Lusting for prey, for the sweet crunch of
Of fragile bone in your strong teeth
What was I to you than?
When your biggest love, was the flesh
Devoured in your jaws
I love you, hate you
Embrace you, fear you
Your love makes me complete, but I two separate people
Your love is bone-snapping
Primal desires
That rise and fall
When you hold me in your arms
I love you...
Wolf man
Wherever you are
May the gods let us meet.

My Unspoken Love

My unspoken love
Looms in the distance
Beyond the sands of time
She is still waiting
The Goddess once forsaken
From my timeless love
Gone like the wind
That rustled the trees 
Of a forest that is no more
Where once they sacrificed the four-legged things
The moon still shone in all it's vigor
Not just light
But ritual beauty
Does the full moon fill you with some alien longing
To become something you are not
By being what you are.

Monster Desires

I hide from thee
Save me, child
From the full-grown horror that awaits
Just up ahead
A simple life
A simpler death
A cycle I am trapped within
Without a chance
Do I belong to glory?
Am I part of some greater plan?
The question is the fungus
Spoiling the orchid that was so seemingly beautiful moments ago
When I met the illusion of faith.

The thing, risen

She sees through eyes
Into hearts
A place I hide so deeply
Folds of flesh
Pockets of soul
A brainless thing, feeding off the living
Though I long to be like her
I do not belong to her irrationality
The belief in humanity
That is not her's
Is ignorance her drug?
Sleeping forever in soft soil
Sleeping beauty
Never noticing
The hopelessness of the world which she clings
Won't you die with me?

September's Promise

I feel the cool, damp air
Whispering promises of the cold that is to come
A time to reflect
On things that decay, which we call the dead
Samhain is coming!
The faeries walk, dance with man
Excitement and fear, course through me
For the changes
Good and bad
I long for her touch
September has pretty words
But October is a Goddess.

Darkened Room

Stop the light
The shade is mine
In his room I hide
The silver light of the moon- the light of madness
Behold wolf creatures...
With silver eyes
That cry glittering tears
That belong to the moon
The mother of their sorrow
Hide me now
From a woman who is not mine
This darkened room, beyond the stars
I'll meet my end here
By my own demise
My silent, sleep
Eternal and consuming
When I called her name
I knew I did not belong
To that world
That place
That time
It looms forever, never mine.

Shameful Girl

She hides behind the certain of sorrow
Where love cannot reach her
Friendless, but not thoughtless
Imprisoned by her own mind
When darkness settles
She sees dark lights
That lead nobody
Part of no road
But a highway of destruction
That leads us to nowhere but behind
Nowhere to end up
Except where we were before
She is a shameful girl-ashamed of herself
Filled with sorrow
That is not entirely her own
Belonging to something
More vast, more dark than she could ever be
Deceiving herself
For a morbid lover
Forsaken of God
Her dark angel
Goat horns upon his head
Does she call his name still?
The forbidden name
That leads all the earth's creatures
To starvation- to madness.

Prayer Circle

Why do long-lost moments haunt me?
As the world closes in on me
Asks something more of me
Than what I can give
I remember holding the hands of my sisters
As if I was kind creature
Worthy of saving
I remember their hands clutch me tight
As if they could heal my soul
Warm, soft, girlish
I denied my right
As a princess of Heaven
Did I really listen to the words?
Praying for me...
Where is the throne?
Does it wait beyond the golden mist?
Veil separating me from the Creator
The forbidden place
I do not belong
I do not see His face.

so long ago

i was once like they
sad and longing
to sweep the seas
on floating feet
that found no substance
a terrifying, inhuman reality
a lost mortality
a conscious like a bloody rose
staining those moments
with uncalled for bitterness
stealing bliss.

orchid child

she was the petal of a rose
the silence of yesterday
buried within each song
a growing thing was she
summer sweet
with rain that was dew
upon her fragile rooted soul
does she still speak
in lost tongues
soul so deep
she makes the deepest seas seem shallow?